Hi friends and followers,
I am transitioning to my new website, www.letteredhope.com, and would love for you to join me there!
I just published a new blog post on my site tonight titled Broken and you’ll be able to read my new post, find all of the old content from this blog, as well as some new things.
Please check it out and subscribe if you’d like to keep receiving updates from me. I won’t be using this blog anymore.
Your sister in Christ,
Jessica
I haven’t written in a while and this is a longggg update! You might want to get some coffee or tea and find a cozy spot to curl up in before you begin reading.
I have been dreading this month, especially this day, for 216 days now. Two-hundred and sixteen days ago was when I miscarried. Continue reading
My best friend Melissa and I recently opened an Etsy shop called Burden Bearing Baskets (BBB). Michael can verify that what I’m about to say next is true: There has been nothing in my life in that last (almost) 6 months that has come close to making me as happy or motivated me as much as this business.
Dear Lord,
Exactly five months
ago right around the time this post publishes, was the day I found out I was pregnant with our precious first child. The moment that test turned positive I was filled with pure joy! Saying thank You doesn’t even feel like I’m scratching the surface. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel in my heart to have been privileged to carry a child that You c r e a t e d. I feel beyond blessed with the love You planted in my heart for our child. Thank You for creating women to feel so much love for our children, even when we don’t get to meet them. It’s miraculous that I continue to feel so much heartbreak for a child that I only carried for eight weeks and never knew. You are so good! You’ve held me through this four month, two day journey and I have so much confidence that You will continue to hold me until I no longer need to be held. And then You will faithfully stay right by my side, guiding me, holding my hand, loving me, helping me through whatever You deem is best to take me through. I can’t thank You enough for blessing us with a child and changing my life forever because of it. Through our child You drew me closer to You and Your Son, closer than I’ve ever been before. You are so near to the brokenhearted. You are just so good in every single way.
I will praise You for our child was fearfully and w o n d e r f u l l y made in Your image!
Amen
Some days it just hits me, like today, as I was walking down the hall at work, I suddenly felt so sad that I won’t be holding my baby in June like I’m supposed to. The desire to be an active mother is a hard desire to quench. And sometimes the pain of remembering I should have a big belly by now is slightly overwhelming. Continue reading
O N E H U N D R E D D A Y S
Three months a week and a day
Fourteen weeks and two days
Two thousand four-hundred hours
One hundred and forty-four thousand minutes
Eight million six-hundred and forty thousand seconds
Yesterday (Thursday) was a rough day for me. Throughout most of the work day I kept thinking about how I couldn’t wait to get off, get in my car, go home, and cry. Continue reading
Early in the morning on October 17, 2015 I took a pregnancy test. I had taken one the day before and got a negative. So on that Saturday morning when I awoke with terrible heartburn (for what felt like the hundredth day in a row) I wanted to take some medicine but thought I should take one more test to rule out pregnancy before I took any medication.
I was expecting a negative since I had gotten one the day before, so I took the test and watched it for a few seconds. I didn’t see a second line so I walked out to our hall closet and picked out some heartburn meds. A minute or two later I walked back in and looked at the test again. Continue reading
I’ve never really gone through a trial before that caused me to lean on the Lord so intensely. There haven’t been too many seasons of life until now where I truly had to take things day by day, sometimes even moment by moment. I’ve never had to unknowingly wait. Sure, I had to wait quite a while to marry Michael since we started dating so young. But I still knew that eventually we would get married. It is so hard not knowing if we will ever be blessed with children here on earth. It is scary to have such an intense desire while not knowing if it will ever be fulfilled. I want to be pregnant and I want to have a baby SO bad. Continue reading
Warning: This post is real and one part sad, one part hopeful.
On November 15th, 2015 I left the hospital empty-handed. Physically not having a baby in my arms is devastating. And I imagine it will only continue to grow more and more devastating, especially as I get closer and closer to my due date. But right now, what is so devastating to me, is how empty I feel on the inside. Continue reading
Today I am super thankful that my baby had a heartbeat. I often think about how I wish I had more time with our child. It’s not that I’m even asking for her to have been born full-term and healthy, just that she would’ve been born slightly older and more developed, that maybe she would’ve taken a few breaths, that she would’ve received a birth certificate. But that’s not our story. I am just really thankful that we got to see her heartbeat because it made her just a little bit more real to us. It is amazing to think that she was inside of me with a beating heart. I’m so glad that the question of whether or not her heart ever started beating is not one that I have to agonize over. I will have questions the rest of my life regarding this sweet little life, like if she would’ve looked more like me or her daddy, what she would’ve been interested in, what her personality would’ve been like. But I am so, so thankful that I’ll never have to wonder if her heart ever took a beat. Because it did and I saw it on the screen. A precious tiny little heart that we created was beating inside of me and for some reason that thought is really comforting to me today. I wish that little heart was still beating and I’ll always have that wish. But at least I know that it did beat. Even if only for several days or weeks, it did beat. <3
It’s common to feel so alone after a miscarriage. I felt like most people didn’t understand and I just didn’t know what to do. So I’ve compiled a list of several things that have helped me in the days and weeks after my miscarriage to heal and I’m sure will continue to help me in the coming months and years. Continue reading
Restoring The Joy 